With everything that I am and in all the ways that I am a believer I have had the most difficult time at having faith. Sometimes that has meant actually believing in God. Sometimes my heart just says, Kellie, I’m sorry, but you need to face it – there is no God and there is no Heaven and there is no love. I battled with that for two years every day praying this prayer, “Please be real.” Still I sometimes wake up in the middle of the night sweating and in terror at the thought of nothingness. But I feel love. And I know God. And I will be in Heaven someday and God will tell me, “Kellie. Never fear again.” And I will be free. Now, I know that most of you are screaming, “You can be free now!!! Just let go of the fear! You don’t have a spirit of fear for Christ dwells within you!” This I know. I know it because I have read it and have felt it, but I struggle. But we (Me and the Big Man) are working on it. And I have come a long, LONG way.
I also struggle with faith in trusting Him with my life and with circumstances and with The Why’s. You know The Whys. I know you do. They’re those little things that trip you up. When you watch the sad, starving children on TV that you can’t save and that God allows to suffer. The alcoholic that you’ve prayed for time and time again that never heals and commits suicide, eventually. The father (ehem…) that doesn’t know Christ, refuses to believe – the daddy that you love that you won’t know forever. Most often, though, I struggle with accepting God’s will for my health. I am healthy, so they say, but I have pains that no one can diagnose and anxiety that is at most times an unfaltering fire that grows and grows until I can smolder it down a bit. And then I explode from the inside out. And I need faith to trust that the Lord will watch over me and keep me healthy and that if I do die my boy will be well and nourished and loved and will kindly be introduced to Jesus. And I worry that God has plans for me that hinder these things.
Jesus has told us that He will never leave or forsake us, that He will never harm us, and that He will never give us more than we can bare. Still, however, I wonder. Faltering me, I wonder and I grieve and I painfully trudge through this life with a half happiness. Living in the shadow of the life that I once knew as peaceful and without chains. This peace came form being the Lord’s servant. And in trusting him fully.
I was very scared last night about a certain pain that I was having and prayed that I would be fine. Later I was off to bed and while in my reading I came across Job. For some reason I really feel like that book is calling out to me lately. Maybe from everything we’ve been going through? But as I read Job 38-39 I was reminded that I am a small woman, not worthy of life, nor God, nor God’s will or plan for this small life and that for me to “Be in control” (as I always prefer it to be) was really nothing more than just a veil. I am never in control. Job cries out to God right before this asking him why, how could you? And God answers with a superior voice and basically says, “Job. I am God. You know nothing. Trust me.” I know nothing. I have control of nothing. And as soon as I can let that lie of control slip through my hands I will be unchained.
Please pray that I can have faith in the Lord and the plans He has for my life. I think mom’s depend on this feeling of control to find peace and strength – to run a household. But isn’t that, really, just idolatry? Don’t we, instead, need to let go of this and let God handle it? He’s going to anyway… I’m trying. And I will continue to try. Everyday.
Any suggestions as to how?